Tired and Uninspired

I haven't felt like writing lately...

(How many times have I started a post this way?)

But I have been making strides in other ways.

I have been working out, routinely, and with more effort than ever before. I am really seeing the results of this. I have also been practicing with my camera. This past weekend I took photos of my husband, and while he was quite unwilling, it was a good practice for me. I am trying to see my life differently. It is very close to a life that I would call ideal. Is close enough? I hope so. I think if we could focus on the positives we would discover that we have so much to appreciate.

I discovered this weekend that I am finally fulfilling a personal goal that I have been wanting to fulfill for years. I wanted to be the kind of person that sticks up for others, all the time, and the type of person who does not let ill things, spoken of others, go unnoticed. Several times lately I've caught myself standing up for what I believe in. I could have agreed with the person and forgotten about the situation, which is what I've done in the past. instead, I I voiced my disagreement aloud. It felt...wonderful.

The opportunity to improve myself is the greatest gift I've been given.

Getting there...

I may not ever reach "there." 

Perhaps we need to strive, continually, in order to have some sort of motivation. Personally, I've always just wanted to find out what "there" is, and then be there. Not knowing what I want to do with my life has been an endless frustration in getting "there." How will I know, if I don't even know what that place looks like?

For now, I am focusing on what I do know. And I know that I am proud of my first photo session for Korey Elizabeth Photography (which I may refer to as KEP--hey I work with engineers and we make acronyms for everything!) I feel positive that I could do something I love, if only part-time.  As for the rest? I'll figure it out, one day at a time.

Oh, after I plan myself a 25th birthday party and paint my nails...I'm getting there...

:)

I crave a new beginning

I had to check in with life, see how I was doing...and my current status is as follows:
-Marriage: Great. Really working well. We're communicating, having fun together, making solid plans for the future, and getting along.
-Family: Better, I think. Brother is in less pain, has a better outlook on life, grandma is happy, other grandma, aside from another injury, is doing well.
-Career: And here's where I take a long pause. Unfulfilling? I guess more accurately I feel as though I am not fitted for this job, and I am not doing the best that anyone else could do in this position. The residuals are fear, anxiety, guilt, and anger.

Stress slows down weight loss, weight loss which would normally really make me feel better. Overtime also prevents working out which naturally contributes to weight loss. So for now, I focus on the goals I know about. This weekend I'll celebrate my in-laws' 30th anniversary with a party and a hotel stay. Sunday I am taking my first official senior portrait session, and building my portfolio and business. I AM on my way, to something. I have to keep that in mind.

The good news is that, even on the worst day of this tough week, I was able to sit down to dinner and pray thanks for at least 12 things, right off of the top of my head. My gratitude did not go unnoticed by my husband, and I think, for the first time, he saw a potential in me to remain optimistic. Here's hoping...

My day of radioactivity

Tomorrow I am going to Orange Imaging to be radioactivized and then scanned. It will be a fun day where I go there at 9:00 and again at 4:00. First, I swallow a pill of radioactive iodine. Then I go home so as not to infect my co-workers. I return at 4:00 to be scanned by some sort of special camera. I will get up the next day (this I am not looking forward to), dress for work, get to Orange Imaging by 7:30 to be scanned a second time, and then go to work. Yay! I am hoping to get some answers out of this process. I have been feeling "not right" for years, and I have exhausted my resources trying to find out why. This seems like a step...in a direction...any direction, really.

In a strange twist of fate, I happened to mention to a co-worker that I would be out and what for. She started into a conversation about her own battles with hypothyroidism. Strangely, we had a lot in common. She told me the struggles that she and her sister have had in being diagnosed with something that they possess all the symptoms of, but something that goes unnoticed in blood work.

It's funny how life works that way. Just as I was about to tell myself that, after this test, I would ignore forever the feeling of "not good" and move on, I am given a ray of hope. My co-worker feels better. I might, too.

I'll let you know if I glow in the dark tomorrow...

Nightmares and Panic

Something is missing.

I have felt off for days.

The nightmares have gotten...inconvenient, to say the least. As I lay in bed this morning, heart pounding at the memories of my latest nightmare (it involved me throwing a drink on a man who said I was stupid, then trying to peel out in my old Montero, which stalled, oh--and I witnessed a stabbing). What is the point of all of this?

I also woke up in the middle of the night in a panic that I had forgotten to do something at work. The pressure, which I so skillfully avoid in my waking life, has been catching up with me in my sleep. I tried to will the bad thoughts from my mind, and they stuck, returning again and again as soon as I closed my eyes.

Today, I made a decision. I am getting outside and getting some shots with my camera tomorrow. I am going to return to my idea of starting a photography side business, but no weddings, simply portraits. Specifically families and children. Tomorrow. I am going to shoot in manual raw and edit them on Sunday. I am going to photograph my cousins and see if any of my aunts' friends are interested in having portraits taken. If I ever make money at this, I am going to buy the lens and flash that I have decided will be all I need for quite a while.

*Editor's note: My plan, if developed fully, somewhat murkily revolves around doing this full time and "quitting my day job" for a much less stressful life...but I have a feeling that's not going to go over well with the Mr.

:)

Name Change

I have had my name for my whole life.

I realize this is an obvious statement.
Have I had anything else my whole life? Not that I can think of.

My name has always explained me. My name=me. Who I am. Or who I was.

When we discussed the topic of women changing their names, years ago, I told my husband with confidence that I thought one person in the relationship should change their name. It is a unifying element. It defines the two you as a couple, a force to be reckoned with. Also, if you have children, it eliminates confusion. Johnny Smith's mom is Mrs. Smith, and so on. I also have this compulsion that, as a young mother, I would not want to be confused with the many unmarried mothers. Children of these mothers sport names that alter and confuse the family tree. Maternal names, or strange names of fathers they do not know. I want a name as a family unit.

When it came my time to change my own name, I hesitated. Who would I be? Who is Korey O? I never even figured out who Korey W was, and she no longer exists.

I traveled to the Social Security office, marriage license in hand, and I traded my short, easy to pronounce English surname for a harder to pronounce English surname.

I'm starting to get used to seeing my new name at work and on my emails, but I'll admit, I haven't changed my license or any bank or credit cards. I suppose I have one foot in the door of the "new me" and one foot still firmly planted in the past. And I'll get to it in my own due time.