New blog

I have a new blog. The decision was forged because I wanted to start over. I am in the process of gathering my thoughts, though. The new blog may become a photography blog, with this blog serving as my "writing" blog. Stay tuned and I'll let you know! For now, here's the new address: koreyo.blogspot.com.:)

Is there a good marriage?

I have been debating the idea of a good marriage for quite some time now. To begin with, I ask you to think for a moment. Close your eyes and try to picture a couple with a good marriage. Get the image of them in your mind, and then ask yourselves these questions: have they been married longer than 10 years? Is it a second marriage? Do you really know them all that well?

These are the things we use to disregard any relationship that can be viewed as a "good" one. The happiest marriages I knew, that of my high school best friend's parents, my grandparents, and another set of family members who I will not name, always rang out in my mind when I thought of what a marriage could be like. I would tell myself that a good marriage was possible, as evidenced by these happy examples. If I tried hard enough, and picked the right mate, I could have happiness like this. Unfortunately, my mind has systematically shut down each one of these shining examples. My grandparents had a beautiful marriage, but it was the second for both of them, and they had so little time together. Perhaps that makes it better, more beautiful somehow. The parents of my friend...I never knew them that well, so they may have a great marriage, but some of the better-looking relationships hide the darkest secrets. This point is evidenced by my family example. The marriage I saw as better than perfect has seemed to crumble upon closer inspection. I thought my parents' marriage was just...lacking. however, there is something comforting about knowing what one can expect, and not being taken by surprise. There are no ups and downs, and perhaps that is a good thing.

I wonder if there is such thing as a good marriage. I can't think of a single one but my own. Then again, I've only been married for 5 months. Will things fall apart? Can I truly believe that we will beat the odds, not only to stay together, but to stay happy? Or is it truly impossible?

My day of radioactivity

Tomorrow I am going to Orange Imaging to be radioactivized and then scanned. It will be a fun day where I go there at 9:00 and again at 4:00. First, I swallow a pill of radioactive iodine. Then I go home so as not to infect my co-workers. I return at 4:00 to be scanned by some sort of special camera. I will get up the next day (this I am not looking forward to), dress for work, get to Orange Imaging by 7:30 to be scanned a second time, and then go to work. Yay! I am hoping to get some answers out of this process. I have been feeling "not right" for years, and I have exhausted my resources trying to find out why. This seems like a step...in a direction...any direction, really.

In a strange twist of fate, I happened to mention to a co-worker that I would be out and what for. She started into a conversation about her own battles with hypothyroidism. Strangely, we had a lot in common. She told me the struggles that she and her sister have had in being diagnosed with something that they possess all the symptoms of, but something that goes unnoticed in blood work.

It's funny how life works that way. Just as I was about to tell myself that, after this test, I would ignore forever the feeling of "not good" and move on, I am given a ray of hope. My co-worker feels better. I might, too.

I'll let you know if I glow in the dark tomorrow...

Falling short of my goals

So I did not get out and take portraits this weekend. I did practice with my camera on plants and my dog, but no portraits. Why? Well, life got in the way, again, in the pesky way it has of messing things up. I just didn't have time. Honestly.

I did, however, set up to take senior portraits of a beautiful set of redheaded twins...

Sometimes I want to kick him

Having a husband is wonderful. He supports me, brings me back down to earth, lifts me up to see my potential, and makes me laugh--all at the same time. But, before we get carried away in romantic nonsense, I am going to admit that sometimes I really just want to kick him.

Don't feel bad if you feel the same way. It's only natural, or so I'm told.

Do what I do: Look him firmly in the eye and say, "I love you, but I don't like you right now." Smile. You've been honest, and it will get better. If he continues to bother you, you have my permission to pinch him.

Nightmares and Panic

Something is missing.

I have felt off for days.

The nightmares have gotten...inconvenient, to say the least. As I lay in bed this morning, heart pounding at the memories of my latest nightmare (it involved me throwing a drink on a man who said I was stupid, then trying to peel out in my old Montero, which stalled, oh--and I witnessed a stabbing). What is the point of all of this?

I also woke up in the middle of the night in a panic that I had forgotten to do something at work. The pressure, which I so skillfully avoid in my waking life, has been catching up with me in my sleep. I tried to will the bad thoughts from my mind, and they stuck, returning again and again as soon as I closed my eyes.

Today, I made a decision. I am getting outside and getting some shots with my camera tomorrow. I am going to return to my idea of starting a photography side business, but no weddings, simply portraits. Specifically families and children. Tomorrow. I am going to shoot in manual raw and edit them on Sunday. I am going to photograph my cousins and see if any of my aunts' friends are interested in having portraits taken. If I ever make money at this, I am going to buy the lens and flash that I have decided will be all I need for quite a while.

*Editor's note: My plan, if developed fully, somewhat murkily revolves around doing this full time and "quitting my day job" for a much less stressful life...but I have a feeling that's not going to go over well with the Mr.

:)

Name Change

I have had my name for my whole life.

I realize this is an obvious statement.
Have I had anything else my whole life? Not that I can think of.

My name has always explained me. My name=me. Who I am. Or who I was.

When we discussed the topic of women changing their names, years ago, I told my husband with confidence that I thought one person in the relationship should change their name. It is a unifying element. It defines the two you as a couple, a force to be reckoned with. Also, if you have children, it eliminates confusion. Johnny Smith's mom is Mrs. Smith, and so on. I also have this compulsion that, as a young mother, I would not want to be confused with the many unmarried mothers. Children of these mothers sport names that alter and confuse the family tree. Maternal names, or strange names of fathers they do not know. I want a name as a family unit.

When it came my time to change my own name, I hesitated. Who would I be? Who is Korey O? I never even figured out who Korey W was, and she no longer exists.

I traveled to the Social Security office, marriage license in hand, and I traded my short, easy to pronounce English surname for a harder to pronounce English surname.

I'm starting to get used to seeing my new name at work and on my emails, but I'll admit, I haven't changed my license or any bank or credit cards. I suppose I have one foot in the door of the "new me" and one foot still firmly planted in the past. And I'll get to it in my own due time.

New Blog

Welcome to my new blog.

I have to admit, the change was less inspired than necessary...the change I made to my email address made posting on the old blog, well, difficult. That said, I intend on writing more often and correcting past mistakes I've made as a blogger. Like labeling posts coherently. And following through wtih series that I begin.

Wish me luck.