I love CA

There are so many things I love about the place I live. Among them are the wildflowers and scents of spring. You haven't lived until you've ridden on a motorcycle through cooling fields of strawberries after dusk. They give off a smell that is sweet and delicious, with undertones of dark, rich earth. The air swirls in eddies of different temperatures. You can feel the cool air from the coast mixing with the heat rising from the asphalt. The air is tinged with the scent of pink star jasmine and orange blossoms.

I wonder if my children will know the scents of Orange County, or if concrete and glass will replace fields of strawberries, as they did the fields of oranges. I remember driving down Irvine Blvd. in the summer time and smelling the sharp smell of ripe citrus fruit in the sun and the acrid smell of rotting oranges in the shade of the trees. Now, driving down this same street, the only orange trees left are a novelty. In springtime the sweet and yet citrusy floral scent of their blossoms precedes the fruit that no one will pick, no one will eat.

The fields of strawberries and nurseries of blooming jasmine might be walled in and smothered by parking lot and cinder block. Will I still remember the way they smelled? The difference between spring, summer, and fall? The way the eucalyptus trees bordered the fields and scented the warm, middle-of-day air?

Will anyone remember?

Bliss and Engagement Rings

There are times when I think I am a selfish person. I know that jealousy is "normal," natural even, but I don't want to be a jealous person. I want to be truly happy for those in my life. Sometimes I worry that I am not capable of this.

I am not worried today.

On Friday, in the midst of a terrible day at work, I received some news that has made me incredibly happy. My good friend Krysta let me know that she was engaged. I felt the bliss--true, pure, unselfish bliss--of happiness for her. I am ecstatic. I can't wait to talk to her about it. I've also been reflecting on my engagement, and what a beautiful time it was.

When my husband proposed, I was stunned, shocked, and on cloud nine. The weeks following were some of the most blissful I can remember. I played a Vanessa Carlton song with the lyrics "love is dancing on my finger" and watched the diamond sparkle on my left hand. It was stunning. I remember the disbelief of the moment--that fated, overdone-in-movies moment was happening in my life. My husband was nervous and my incessant "is this really happening? I can't believe it" was not helping. The ring box (oh! there was a ring and everything!) was shiny mahogany, with black velvet inside, and the ring was this incredible jewel. He placed it on my trembling finger with clammy hands and I realized the importance of this symbol. The diamond, shiny and beautiful like our love, was the outward manifestation of our relationship. The strongest natural compound on a band of precious metal that would wear and attain a patina revealing its age and the age of our relationship. it would shout to the world, "I am taken, I am loved."

For weeks, as I caught a glimpse of the sparkle on my left hand, or found it caught in my hair (I've never been happier to have something caught in my hair) or saw someones eyes transfixed on it as they noticed it for the first time, I would overflow with joy. Before the madness of wedding planning, the first weeks of engagement are pure bliss.

Krysta, I am overjoyed for you. My happiness for you knows no bounds. I intend on helping and supporting you through the journey that is to come, but for now...just enjoy this moment. Enjoy every blissful moment.

One final thought: I am not a person who ever defines a moment in her life as "the best"--because I don't know what is to come. I always live as though the best is yet to come, whether or not I know what that is. As amazing as the beginning of the engagement is, have heart that a better moment is to come...the day you see a ring on your partner's hand. The joy you feel witnessing a ring on your own is momentous, but seeing a ring on his...I've never felt anything like it.

Tired and Uninspired

I haven't felt like writing lately...

(How many times have I started a post this way?)

But I have been making strides in other ways.

I have been working out, routinely, and with more effort than ever before. I am really seeing the results of this. I have also been practicing with my camera. This past weekend I took photos of my husband, and while he was quite unwilling, it was a good practice for me. I am trying to see my life differently. It is very close to a life that I would call ideal. Is close enough? I hope so. I think if we could focus on the positives we would discover that we have so much to appreciate.

I discovered this weekend that I am finally fulfilling a personal goal that I have been wanting to fulfill for years. I wanted to be the kind of person that sticks up for others, all the time, and the type of person who does not let ill things, spoken of others, go unnoticed. Several times lately I've caught myself standing up for what I believe in. I could have agreed with the person and forgotten about the situation, which is what I've done in the past. instead, I I voiced my disagreement aloud. It felt...wonderful.

The opportunity to improve myself is the greatest gift I've been given.

Getting there...

I may not ever reach "there." 

Perhaps we need to strive, continually, in order to have some sort of motivation. Personally, I've always just wanted to find out what "there" is, and then be there. Not knowing what I want to do with my life has been an endless frustration in getting "there." How will I know, if I don't even know what that place looks like?

For now, I am focusing on what I do know. And I know that I am proud of my first photo session for Korey Elizabeth Photography (which I may refer to as KEP--hey I work with engineers and we make acronyms for everything!) I feel positive that I could do something I love, if only part-time.  As for the rest? I'll figure it out, one day at a time.

Oh, after I plan myself a 25th birthday party and paint my nails...I'm getting there...

:)

I crave a new beginning

I had to check in with life, see how I was doing...and my current status is as follows:
-Marriage: Great. Really working well. We're communicating, having fun together, making solid plans for the future, and getting along.
-Family: Better, I think. Brother is in less pain, has a better outlook on life, grandma is happy, other grandma, aside from another injury, is doing well.
-Career: And here's where I take a long pause. Unfulfilling? I guess more accurately I feel as though I am not fitted for this job, and I am not doing the best that anyone else could do in this position. The residuals are fear, anxiety, guilt, and anger.

Stress slows down weight loss, weight loss which would normally really make me feel better. Overtime also prevents working out which naturally contributes to weight loss. So for now, I focus on the goals I know about. This weekend I'll celebrate my in-laws' 30th anniversary with a party and a hotel stay. Sunday I am taking my first official senior portrait session, and building my portfolio and business. I AM on my way, to something. I have to keep that in mind.

The good news is that, even on the worst day of this tough week, I was able to sit down to dinner and pray thanks for at least 12 things, right off of the top of my head. My gratitude did not go unnoticed by my husband, and I think, for the first time, he saw a potential in me to remain optimistic. Here's hoping...