I'm going to admit it

Call TMZ. Heck, call my therapist. I have a problem, a big problem.

I am sick, so so sick, of hearing about weddings. That includes my own. I am going to admit that while I am glad we waited and had a long engagement, some part of me wishes it were over and that I could move on. I think it's the overwhelming pressure placed on MY wedding to be something DIFFERENT than the ten million other weddings that come before mine. Whatever. Thinking about weddings makes me want to puke right now. I have had to talk (and think about! and plan!) my rehearsal dinner-albeit 8 months away. We just booked our honeymoon, and the stress of making ONE MORE DECISION was overwhelming. My mom calls me daily about djs, florists, table number card holder things, and I simply don't want to hear about it. I need a vacation from thinking about this event. I'm done. I want to call someone in to make all the other decisions for me (someone with great taste).

I have always had this fear that if I was exposed to too many weddings I would never be able to have one of my own. You see people doing the same things (yes, I know we call those things "traditions" and that there is a reason we all do them) and I start to feel as though it is fake, predictable, cheesy. I have sat at a wedding and cried tears of sadness at the tragically sad way this "joyous event" was carried out. I feel like fake rings and plastic cake toppers and the whole wedding aisle at Michael's gives me hives. On the other hand, spending ridiculous amounts of money is not what the day is about. yes, I want something elegant, classy, and beautiful, but I hate that the wedding industry tries to sell you this dream, assuming that all females want it. Sure, I want the normal stuff. I only plan on doing this once and I want "the day." But being forced to talk wedding and watch weddings and participate in them...thank God I am not an attendant in any of the ten million weddings coming up. I seriously dream about the day AFTER the supposed "greatest day of my life," of unpacking my new dishware and cooking something beautiful on it. Of sleeping all Sunday and just being a normal human being. I hate that bridal store attendants try to sell you this childish bride-image that they think you absolutely cannot live without, at any price. I want to buy a house, decorate it, plant a large garden, adopt another dog, all things that take post-wedding money and time. I don't think that this day, sacred as it is, requires a spending spree. Does spending more of my parents' money mean that I love my fiance any more? I think not.

Why am I so angry? How do wedding professionals do it? How can you watch weddings over and over and not help but feel that these people are doomed, cheesy, predictable? This is not cold feet about the man, it's my reservations on the process. Just hearing "wedding" or "bride" just makes me shudder. Is something wrong with me? And when did we remove the importance from this process? I'll admit guilt on my Christmas celebrating, it is more style than substance. it is more about the gifts than the birth of Jesus. Sure, that's sad, but the wedding? How did the event start to overshadow the momentous commitment you are making? I feel sick for ever having opened a bridal magazine. So sick, in fact, that I feel like going home tonight and purging each and every one. i need to start from scratch and figure things out on my own.