Dreams

Do you ever find yourself thinking about something that had happened recently only to discover that you had dreamed this event? After recent conversations about this, and my proclamation that people, in particular, can appear in dreams as symbols of a feeling, I had one of a series of unsettling and serene dreams.

I stopped being friends with one of my life's closest friends over four years ago. I have thought the situation over many times and become complacent with the realization that I had done the right thing. She wounded me in ways that I had not known were possible, wounded my idea of self-worth, my beliefs on friendship and love, and my relationship with my favorite institution to complain about (really, more than the government): the church. Despite the pain, the anger, and the disappointment I have felt toward her, I have had a series of dreams in which we are friends again. The dreams are serene and feel quite wonderful. We are happy; we laugh and talk and I miss her in my waking hours. Or do I?

I first associated these dreams with guilt. I know that I am quick to remove offensive particles of humanity from my life. People, unlike things, I discard quickly. I sum them up, and, once judged, I expel them from my sight. This is strange considering my habit of saving everything else: ticket stubs, birthday cards, anything to preserve my precious memories. So when I started to have dreams of this person I attributed it to guilt in expelling her so quickly. She had, after all, approached me in an email and asked if we could be friends again. She had also said that she did not regret what she had said to me in our "final conversation." her mistake. I decided against contacting her if she could not apologize. The dreams continued. They were never confrontational, only happy, joyous. Then she called me. Hearing her voice on the message sent a chill down my spine. I don't handle confrontation well. I avoid these moments. However, because of my dreams, I called her. I decided I was more comfortable with email, and we sent a series of messages back and forth. All they taught me was that she was (still) exactly who I thought she was. I felt silly for wasting time and thought over our interactions. the emails dwindled away and I felt healed.

Then I had another dream. Last night. This morning I felt slightly lost, tinges of pain washing over the farthest reaches of my memory. Was it because of her? Do I miss her? I don't think I do. I know, in the present, coherent moments that she is not a person that enriches or enhances my life. Hell, she's not even nice. So I thought about it today and this is the sad conclusion I came to: I miss having a best friend. I have one, and she is amazing, but we are distanced by many miles and some strange circumstances. In part, her boyfriend across the globe has caused friction between us, especially since I am not one to lie when asked for my opinion, and only honesty spills from my lips, if I am required to give any other answer, it is silence. It's not all his fault of course, or hers, I know that my relationship with my significant other, as it grows and blossoms every day into something stronger, more beautiful, also forms a sort of roadblock in communication with anyone else. I am used up, loved and spoken for, and expressed, until I have very little, or nothing, left to say. And yet I am fulfilled and refreshed by his love and want to scream it until my lungs burst and can't (for fear of being annoying). He tells me that I am his best friend and he should be mine. He is so much more than a best friend, and the designation of best friend, in my mind, is a girlfriend.

So, if you are still reading this and you find yourself wondering over dreams starring characters from your past. Rest assured that their meanings will become clear, whether you like it or not.