Bliss and Engagement Rings

There are times when I think I am a selfish person. I know that jealousy is "normal," natural even, but I don't want to be a jealous person. I want to be truly happy for those in my life. Sometimes I worry that I am not capable of this.

I am not worried today.

On Friday, in the midst of a terrible day at work, I received some news that has made me incredibly happy. My good friend Krysta let me know that she was engaged. I felt the bliss--true, pure, unselfish bliss--of happiness for her. I am ecstatic. I can't wait to talk to her about it. I've also been reflecting on my engagement, and what a beautiful time it was.

When my husband proposed, I was stunned, shocked, and on cloud nine. The weeks following were some of the most blissful I can remember. I played a Vanessa Carlton song with the lyrics "love is dancing on my finger" and watched the diamond sparkle on my left hand. It was stunning. I remember the disbelief of the moment--that fated, overdone-in-movies moment was happening in my life. My husband was nervous and my incessant "is this really happening? I can't believe it" was not helping. The ring box (oh! there was a ring and everything!) was shiny mahogany, with black velvet inside, and the ring was this incredible jewel. He placed it on my trembling finger with clammy hands and I realized the importance of this symbol. The diamond, shiny and beautiful like our love, was the outward manifestation of our relationship. The strongest natural compound on a band of precious metal that would wear and attain a patina revealing its age and the age of our relationship. it would shout to the world, "I am taken, I am loved."

For weeks, as I caught a glimpse of the sparkle on my left hand, or found it caught in my hair (I've never been happier to have something caught in my hair) or saw someones eyes transfixed on it as they noticed it for the first time, I would overflow with joy. Before the madness of wedding planning, the first weeks of engagement are pure bliss.

Krysta, I am overjoyed for you. My happiness for you knows no bounds. I intend on helping and supporting you through the journey that is to come, but for now...just enjoy this moment. Enjoy every blissful moment.

One final thought: I am not a person who ever defines a moment in her life as "the best"--because I don't know what is to come. I always live as though the best is yet to come, whether or not I know what that is. As amazing as the beginning of the engagement is, have heart that a better moment is to come...the day you see a ring on your partner's hand. The joy you feel witnessing a ring on your own is momentous, but seeing a ring on his...I've never felt anything like it.

I crave a new beginning

I had to check in with life, see how I was doing...and my current status is as follows:
-Marriage: Great. Really working well. We're communicating, having fun together, making solid plans for the future, and getting along.
-Family: Better, I think. Brother is in less pain, has a better outlook on life, grandma is happy, other grandma, aside from another injury, is doing well.
-Career: And here's where I take a long pause. Unfulfilling? I guess more accurately I feel as though I am not fitted for this job, and I am not doing the best that anyone else could do in this position. The residuals are fear, anxiety, guilt, and anger.

Stress slows down weight loss, weight loss which would normally really make me feel better. Overtime also prevents working out which naturally contributes to weight loss. So for now, I focus on the goals I know about. This weekend I'll celebrate my in-laws' 30th anniversary with a party and a hotel stay. Sunday I am taking my first official senior portrait session, and building my portfolio and business. I AM on my way, to something. I have to keep that in mind.

The good news is that, even on the worst day of this tough week, I was able to sit down to dinner and pray thanks for at least 12 things, right off of the top of my head. My gratitude did not go unnoticed by my husband, and I think, for the first time, he saw a potential in me to remain optimistic. Here's hoping...

Is there a good marriage?

I have been debating the idea of a good marriage for quite some time now. To begin with, I ask you to think for a moment. Close your eyes and try to picture a couple with a good marriage. Get the image of them in your mind, and then ask yourselves these questions: have they been married longer than 10 years? Is it a second marriage? Do you really know them all that well?

These are the things we use to disregard any relationship that can be viewed as a "good" one. The happiest marriages I knew, that of my high school best friend's parents, my grandparents, and another set of family members who I will not name, always rang out in my mind when I thought of what a marriage could be like. I would tell myself that a good marriage was possible, as evidenced by these happy examples. If I tried hard enough, and picked the right mate, I could have happiness like this. Unfortunately, my mind has systematically shut down each one of these shining examples. My grandparents had a beautiful marriage, but it was the second for both of them, and they had so little time together. Perhaps that makes it better, more beautiful somehow. The parents of my friend...I never knew them that well, so they may have a great marriage, but some of the better-looking relationships hide the darkest secrets. This point is evidenced by my family example. The marriage I saw as better than perfect has seemed to crumble upon closer inspection. I thought my parents' marriage was just...lacking. however, there is something comforting about knowing what one can expect, and not being taken by surprise. There are no ups and downs, and perhaps that is a good thing.

I wonder if there is such thing as a good marriage. I can't think of a single one but my own. Then again, I've only been married for 5 months. Will things fall apart? Can I truly believe that we will beat the odds, not only to stay together, but to stay happy? Or is it truly impossible?

Sometimes I want to kick him

Having a husband is wonderful. He supports me, brings me back down to earth, lifts me up to see my potential, and makes me laugh--all at the same time. But, before we get carried away in romantic nonsense, I am going to admit that sometimes I really just want to kick him.

Don't feel bad if you feel the same way. It's only natural, or so I'm told.

Do what I do: Look him firmly in the eye and say, "I love you, but I don't like you right now." Smile. You've been honest, and it will get better. If he continues to bother you, you have my permission to pinch him.

Name Change

I have had my name for my whole life.

I realize this is an obvious statement.
Have I had anything else my whole life? Not that I can think of.

My name has always explained me. My name=me. Who I am. Or who I was.

When we discussed the topic of women changing their names, years ago, I told my husband with confidence that I thought one person in the relationship should change their name. It is a unifying element. It defines the two you as a couple, a force to be reckoned with. Also, if you have children, it eliminates confusion. Johnny Smith's mom is Mrs. Smith, and so on. I also have this compulsion that, as a young mother, I would not want to be confused with the many unmarried mothers. Children of these mothers sport names that alter and confuse the family tree. Maternal names, or strange names of fathers they do not know. I want a name as a family unit.

When it came my time to change my own name, I hesitated. Who would I be? Who is Korey O? I never even figured out who Korey W was, and she no longer exists.

I traveled to the Social Security office, marriage license in hand, and I traded my short, easy to pronounce English surname for a harder to pronounce English surname.

I'm starting to get used to seeing my new name at work and on my emails, but I'll admit, I haven't changed my license or any bank or credit cards. I suppose I have one foot in the door of the "new me" and one foot still firmly planted in the past. And I'll get to it in my own due time.

Ball and chain, on a pedestal

Two expressions, two ways of describing the male-female relationship, specifically in marriage. I don't like either.

The ball and chain is a horrible expression. Typically the wife is referred to as "the old ball and chain" as though she drags behind the husband, holding him back from where he wants to be. Ladies, we can also feel the pull of the ball and chain, so I would not restrict this one to the wives. I have thought of my relationship as a hindrance before. I've wondered if being married would hold me back from some greater purpose. But the truth is, being married, and being in a relationship in general, has actually lifted me in ways I could not have imagined.

I see my purpose and my goals through him, and our life together. It's an entirely new way of thinking. I see us as this team. We are not "one," but rather two individuals working toward a common purpose. Our goals and fears are aligned, and our separate talents and strengths help us to achieve our goals and defeat our fears.

Before I get carried away describing a marriage as teamwork, I must tell you that this "alignment of minds" has not, in any way, helped us play as a team in Pictionary. We still prefer to be on opposite teams. :)

Next we have the pedestal. It's a place many women would like to visit, and most of them who want to visit really love it, and want to move there. I am not one of those women. To quote Counting Crows, "you put your girl up on a pedestal, and wait for her to fall."

The pedestal idea, like the ball and chain, is another unequal and negative correlation. No one wants to be the ball and chain, and no one wants to be "off the pedestal." To be adored: it sounds fun and flattering, but it gets lonely up on that pedestal. You will crave an equal. Also, thanks to the Counting Crows, there is the reality of being held to too high a standard and disappointing the other. What you want is someone that sees and appreciates you for who you are. He or she does not feel held back by your presence or existence, nor does he or she feel worshipped and alone, held to impossibly high standards and about to fall from your good graces.

In reading The Shack, God discusses the relationships, modeled after His own with Jesus and Sarayu (the Holy Ghost), that He wants humans to emulate. It echoes none of the sexism that I find in the creation story: "Eve was created from man, she was second, she was created to serve man, she was created to keep him company..." Rather, God stresses the importance of equality and a complete lack of hierarchy. There is no hierarchy in a true relationship, only equal love and admiration.

You may be told at some point that it is always better when one person loves the other more. I have thought about this often. I can see it in other relationships, and I can see that it appears to work, but I promise you that it does not. It is cold in the shadow of another, and lonely on that pedestal. One person should not be "better" than the other. You should both have attractive strengths that balance and even out the relationship. Also, neither of you should be "boss." I know most feminists would agree with me, but this applies to men as well. You should never be subservient with your partner; that is not a "real" relationship.

Something to think about...

Marriage: The Series

I have decided to write a series on marriage, as I navigate the waters...

I am going to try and write at least one entry a week on a new, but related, topic. Hopefully these posts will be helpful to anyone who needs advice, or wonders, or is just interested. I also hope to make some sense out of this journey, and to complile my thoughts in a way that will help me measure our progress.

Marriage is

Marriage has been surprising.

It has been surprisingly wonderful and surprisingly difficult. Everyone tells you that it is hard, and it is. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I truly believe that each day that passes is a great accomplishment. It is a choice that you make--first in front of your fiance', and then your family and friends, and then, each and every day, without fanfare, with yourself. There are so many wonderful things about sharing a life with another, but there are a million, unpredictable little things that can go wrong. I wonder how marriages survive infidelity or the death of children, when at times it seems mine will not survive the "leftover wars" or a discussion of who will clean the kitchen.

Of course I'm being dramatic; we are not, and have not deliberated whether or not our marriage will last, because that is not an option for us. But truly, each day is a choice. Not just choosing to be married, but choosing to be a good spouse, and choosing to accept the other for who he or she is, truly. Within each day are countless choices to be made over the little things, from deciding whether or not to be mad over the annoying things that person does, deciding whether or not to be positive and supportive, choosing whether or not to do the hard thing and talk about what is wrong.

I promise you, dear readers, that talking is the best option. In a marriage, the one thing you can count on is that the other loves you. Your spouse chose you, and continues to choose you, and in talking through your problems you will probably be reminded of why you both bothered to choose each other anyway. Because you're in love, and when you are, there is no other choice.